Learn to Own Your Shit When Dating

Can I just start by saying that I do not miss being single? I do not miss being single in the slightest. Dating is not fun. I guess you can lie to yourself and say that it is’s fun if that’s what you wanna do. And before I go any further into this, let me give a brief disclaimer.

Disclaimer: You can date however you want. You can be monogamous. You can be monogamish. You can be poly. You can float between the two. I do not give a fuck.

You can have friends with benefits. You can have an open relationship. You can have a four corner marriage. As long as what you are doing is known by your partner(s) and done fully with consenting adults, do whatever you want.

With that being said, you also have no right to play games with other people. And if you find out people are (upcoming pun possibly intended) fucking around behind your back, tell them (upcoming pun definitely intended) to fuck right off. You will not die alone.

Everyone in the Dating Pool Seriously Needs to Start Owning Their Shit

I already knew about stupid terms like being “left on read.” I’d only like to say one thing about this. No one owes you the immediacy of a response. Grow the fuck up and learn some patience. Technology was created for convenience. It may be convenient for YOU to get an immediate response, that does not mean that sending an immediate response is convenient for the other person. Calm your mammaries.

I already knew about stupid terms like being “ghosted.” Back in my day (if that doesn’t show my age, maybe telling you that I remember when Vanilla Ice got in trouble for ripping of Queen and Bowie’s Under Pressure and trying to defend himself got him in even more trouble…and that time when Milli Vanilli got outed for lip synching…see, yall kids have auto tune. The real MVPs didn’t even SING their own songs), we just called it being stood up…or being dumped. Just take it for what it is. Stop sending pathetic ass, long winded messages. Move the fuck on.

Drop the Stupid Lingo and Just Be Honest

The New York Post dropped an article featuring more ridiculous dating lingo that highlight just how stupid many people out there dating can be. And the funny part is, everyone dating wants to blame their past relationships, their childhood issues, their mommy, their daddy…everyone but themselves. If you really want to unfuck yourself, take responsibility. Be honest about causing your own problems. And become your own solution.

So, no more:

• Fleabagging – Defined as dating people you know aren’t good for you. You cannot fix them. Stop dating shit shows. You cannot go keep going to the circus and then wonder why in the hell you’re surrounded by clowns.
• Dial-toning – If they don’t answer your call or text, they are not interested. Stop wasting your time. Delete their number and move the fuck on. They probably have 15 children from 15 separate baby mamas / daddies and you probably do not need that in your life…because the common denominator is….that person. “All my exes are crazy.” Well, the common factor that drove them crazy? Bueller? Bueller?
• Caspering – Ghosting with an explanation. Sorry I ghosted you, but…. They aren’t sorry.

Also, Please Don’t Move People in With You Immediately

I don’t want to hear about you on Crime Junkie or any other true crime podcast that I listen to on a regular basis. You don’t want to go to the bottom of a missing persons file because the police decided you aren’t really missing. If you have children, you should know that there are some crazy statistics (and I know that everyone loves to believe they are the anomaly to those, but it is more than likely that you are not the anomaly).

According to The Children’s Advocacy Assessment Center for Houston and Harris County, perpetrators of sexual abuse look for single parents with “quiet” or “lonely” children who may be “trusting” and the moving in of a new person makes sexual abuse 20 times more likely to occur than if the biological parents lived together. Other factors, of course, also exist…but 20 times the risk of sexual abuse. And that is one risk that dating parents can easily do something about. Those are national statistics, by the way.

Children or not, take responsibility when dating. Own your shit. Be honest with others. And for the love of everything, drop the stupid lingo.