Wednesday May 31, 2023

Confession #901

Confession 901

Sent to me by an attorney. Remember, if you send over your confession, you will remain anonymous. This lawyer worked from home (or as the cool kids called it, “virtual office” for quite some time). I can tell you that much of the following is applicable for anyone who is self-employed, regardless of where they work. 

I’ve put this together as a confession. It’s a handbook on how not to be an asshole client.

1. If your attorney says it’s going to take 2 weeks to do something, don’t fucking call/email every goddamn day to “see if it’s done yet.”

2. If your attorney says “do (or don’t do) [that thing],” do or don’t do it AS INSTRUCTED; do NOT do the exact opposite of what you’re told.

2.1. If you do the exact opposite of what you’re told, do NOT pitch a walleyed fit when you have a bad outcome, and ffs, DO NOT blame your attorney.

3. If your attorney asks you for something by a certain date, provide said thing on or before said date. ONLY THAT THING.

4. Don’t demand your attorney do [whatever] when they’ve already said it’s a bad idea/can’t be done/is going to end up biting you in the ass/etc. If you think you know so much more than your lawyer, go represent yourself and stop wasting my time.

5. Before you complain about something your ex is doing, ask yourself, “Am I being a petty asshole here?” Chances are good the answer is yes, in which case, suck it up, buttercup. Mismatched socks on your kid is only a problem to you.

6. Remember: you failure to properly plan ahead does not constitute an emergency on my part. Unless you plan to pay me in full for the time spent up front plus a 20% rush fee.

7. Just because I haven’t given you a minute by minute report of what I’m doing in your case doesn’t mean I am not working on it. It means I have limited time and a lot of clients. When I have something significant to tell you, I’ll tell you.

8. On the flip side, if I ask you for info/documents/updates/whatever, don’t just ghost me and then pop up 3 months later like we just talked yesterday. I don’t expect an immediate response, but I expect one within at least a day or so.

9. Do NOT tell me if I would just _______, this matter would already be resolved in your favor. Refer back to #4 for the reason why.

10. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT BE RUDE TO MY STAFF. I catch you being an asshole to my front desk or billing department, you’re going to find yourself looking for a new attorney.

11. Do not threaten me. Don’t insinuate I don’t know what I’m doing, threaten to report me to the bar, act like I’m not working on your case hard enough, or otherwise insinuate that you know how this works better than I do. I didn’t spend 7 years in college and hundreds of sleepless nights busting my ass for you to tell me that your Google U law degree somehow beats my actual law degree and admittance to the bar. And yes, if you don’t pay me, I’m withdrawing from your case and suing you. You don’t work for free and neither do I.

If I were to ever stop working from home, number 10 is the reason why I would go to work for this attorney. 


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